Highs and Lows and Every Other Which Way

Lots has happened since Comic Con. I've been tired and honestly, lazy, to blog. Let's attempt to recap, we'll go in chronological order to make it smoother.
I bought a diaper bag. For a penny. That's right One Cent. It was on Amazon and was obviously a mistake but I bought it figuring hey the worst that could happen is they cancel the order and give me my penny back. But they didnt. I didn't even pay shipping because I'm an Amazon Prime member. It's not totally my style or first choice but dude for a penny? I'll take it and love it! I checked again recently and it's normally $60 on sale for $40 now. Total Score!


Next is that the baby is well. Here's a pic from the last ultrasound I had. Her hands are up and you can see her lips and nose and her eyes are shaded. She looks like she has big ol lips in this picture. She was practicing breathing so we could see her moving her mouth and her chest going up and down.

Sunday I was feeling crampy and had a backache all day so I called Monday morning and asked if I could come in. They squeezed me in and hooked me up to the NST to make sure all was well. She was fine and the doc checked me out. I was dilated 1-2cm and my cervix was really thinned out. She also said the babies head was really low, which explains the pain I feel with every step I take, she's basically bouncing on my pelvis. I'm having an ultrasound tomorrow to see how big she is. My due date is in less than two weeks but I don't think I'm going to make it another two weeks. Everything is achey and tired. And lots of other signs that are gross or tmi, like losing of mucus plug, sorer boobs and farts. Im just tired. Here's a pic a co worker took of me today. I'm ginormous.

 Lastly, I lost my grandma last night. It was very sudden and unexpected and has hit me very hard. I'm feeling a lot of emotions and not handing them very well. During the day I try to put it out of my mind to get through work and life without being a mess but the minute I'm alone I dissolve. I'm lucky enough to have 3 awesome grandparents left, but I think that because I've never lost anyone this close, it's especially hard. Through my fucked up teen/early twenties years I disapointed my grandparents big time and created a large rift between us. I didn't even really talk to them until I saw them at my Aunt's wedding a few years back. It was hard because I usually am of the mind that I am who I am today because of the things I went through and theyve made me stronger. But when I saw my grandparents I was so ashamed of not being smart/good/non-trouble/insert whatever adjective that I was a mess. We talked and it was ok but its still ackward and hard for me to talk to them. After all this time I still feel like I need to prove to them that I'm ok, that I turned out ok. I just thought I'd have more time to show her. My Papa had a stroke last year a month before my wedding that prevented them from coming so I haven't seen them in years and years. I think 6-7. I'll never get to show my daughter to her or let her hold her. She'll never hear her laugh or cry. I'll never get to take those photos with my daughter mom and grandma and be like 4 generations! or whatever.
I'm so at a total loss. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that I won't ever see her again while at the same time getting ready to say hello to a new person for the first time. Life is full of hello's and goodbye's. We never know when one will happen.
Tell your family you love them. You really never know when something can happen. Nothing is more important than your loved ones. Nothing is worth putting them off. Write them a letter, send them a picture. Call just to say hi. Tell them you love them. All of them. Even the ones you're not always sure you love, because deep down you do (everyones got those ones!)
I love you all. If you're reading this, you're a loved one. I will make an effort to be closer to those I love and not waste time on those I don't.