Tax Season is Winding Down......

Have you done your taxes yet??? You better have! Don't be one of those last minute people! You stress out your poor tax preparer!!!
As April 15 is on the horizon, I feel like I can actually almost see normalcy again. Soon enough, we will return to our regularly scheduled program of work and life balance. I so look forward to it.
I took this quiet moment in my house to look at my year so far. I have done much work on my 30 year old resolutions. I did chop my hair off. I haven't been taking very good care of myself. After April 15, i'm going to really try to start cooking more at home. Get into a routine. I started a baby toy knit project for Camille. I didn't finish the baby sweater, but I got bored with it and so wanted to do something new. Actually it wasn't that I was bored, it's just that as I'm nearing completion I realized that I don't like the yarn. That's sad. So I thought I'd attempt something small but awesome. It's going to be a little elephant, using this fabulous yarn Raime got me for my birthday. I looooove it. For sign language, we mostly just do MORE and EAT, but I'm working on it. And for my debt, I'm actually sort of working on a plan. It's going well and I think I'm going to be able to really get myself on a good path.
Camilly is growing so amazingly fast. It seems so long ago that she was so tiny, holding her in my arms, crying over her little heating lamp bed in the NICU. I'm so so lucky to have her. Her laugh is the best sound in the world. I wish our family was closer and could be with her more. I've been thinking about my grandma a lot the last few days. Not sure why. Her picture is on our refridgerator and I was telling Camille who she was and pointing to her the other day. I wish she could've met Camille. It's so hard to put aside past angers and hurts sometimes. We hold these things inside us and let them take up this space in our hearts. Where "sorrys" don't really chip away at it. Where both sides feel wronged and hurt. I was too full of pride and fear to call and tell her I love her. Too scared that my past crimes and the pain they caused were too great to ever overcome. And then with the birth of my daughter, I see things in a different light. To never let your brain tell you not to call and tell someone you love them. It's an ugly regret to have. When people we love and trust hurt us, it cuts so much deeper than I think we even realize. The mental scarring is there even after forgiveness, even after we think we've healed. That feeling of uncertainty if things will ever be the same. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing moments that never happened. Mourning the loss of a future that never came to be. If I'd been a better daughter and grandchild. If I hadn't gotten into trouble. If my life had taken a different path. Would we have had more moments? More trips to Hearst Castle? More cups of red juice? All the things that could have been, we'll never know. I miss her. I wish she could've seen me now, I feel like she would be proud of who I am right now. Even though I'm frazzled, unsure and a bt crazy. I think she would see the love and be proud.
I've fallen into other issues and topics, it must be past my bedtime and I've started rambling.
In other news, Camille totall loves DINOSAURS! :-)